So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
