I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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