Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Non-Jews are for practice
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
being pregnant is like rehab
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
