you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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