me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
