my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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