they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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