im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
vagina is talking i cant
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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