He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
