Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
