I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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