wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm always down for nudity.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
