my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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