You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
