awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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