i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
