I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
