remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
