Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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