Your dad touched me again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
