Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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