Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need an iv and a liver transplant
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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