im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
