I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I want her autograph on my taint
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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