Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
