Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
