I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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