Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
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I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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