apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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