Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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