I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
