She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
