he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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