lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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