He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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