Jerry, you need to find god
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
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I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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