Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
