well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.