After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup