Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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