the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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