Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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