I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
