Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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