it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
