im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
My vagina is officially offended.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
