They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
