I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
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Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
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Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet