What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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