dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
