guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
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Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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