So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
